I had a chance to actually listen in Church yesterday, and something really struck me.  I have heard the Passion read at least once a year as long as I've been alive, and of course more often with school and bible study and what not.  But I had never really paused to think about what Jesus said on the Cross before he died.  "My God!!  Why have you forsaken me?"

Isn't that marvelous?  It shows His human side, that He, God in Person, could feel so alone and abandoned.  He who knows God the Father better than any of us, He can still feel like God is nowhere, not on His side.

So when I am in pain, in doubt and despair, maybe I shouldn't add to that the guilt and anger at feeling abandoned by God.  I can take comfort that even Jesus Christ suffered these feelings, and of course more so.  And I know that like Jesus, God offers me eternal life with Him in Paradise.  I know that God certainly did not abandon Jesus, that our Savior had to drink the bitter cup in order to fulfill a greater destiny.  And so it is in my small life, that I too must Take Up My Cross, suffer and maybe sometimes even feel ignored by God, for my greater destiny.

I'm sure many of you have known this and it's no revelation to you, but this is the year I finally Got it, finally understood these words.  The blessings keep on coming!!

I know I'm not supposed to, trying to follow Christianity, but I believe that this one is not my first life.  I'm pretty sure I've had others.  Here is my most recent reason why.

I am taking a couple of painting classes from my kid's art teacher.  I have wanted to paint since college and my roommate was a great painter.  While other rooms had pictures up, or dorm room had high-quality paintings.  Any way, I thought about taking classes before but never got around to it until this opportunity came up.

It turns out I'm learning this easily.  Super easily.  I even amaze my teacher.  I feel like I remember doing this before, the color mixing, the way I hold the brush and certain techniques; it all really feels familiar.  She'll show me a trick, and I think, oh yeah I knew that.

I conclude in a past life, I did oil painting, mostly landscapes.

How about you?  Is there any skill that you picked up easily, that felt familiar?  How about any phobias that came on suddenly and with no apparent reason?  I've read that that is a good argument for a past-life experience coming through.

Ahh how I love this weather and this time of year.  OK, it is too cold and windy, but thank God I can see sunlight again.  It really does make a psychological difference to me.  Do any of you get that way?  I think it's an actual studied condition, with papers in journals and all that.  Now it just needs to warm up, have some bulb flowers pop up, and all will be right with my world.  This winter has held on long enough.

I also enjoy the sun rise at 6 o'clock.  I guess the clocks will be sprung ahead soon.  When is that?  Before or after Easter?  Do any of you do the Catholic sunrise Easter service?  I just love those.  Although I've yet to try dragging the kiddies out that early.  Maybe in another couple of years.

I'd like to blame it on the cold weather, the fierce wind, the fleeting sunlight through heavy clouds.  Maybe I could blame lack of sleep, or not eating right or that the air in the house is stale.  It would be comforting to have something external to blame for my bad moods, my unloving behavior. 

But the fact of the matter is, I absolutely believe a person Chooses how she feels and behaves.  And thus I have to take full responsibility for getting stressed out with the family and the condition of the house, weather, my body, etc.  I know I can be better (kinder, more loving, more tolerant, more helpful) than I was over the weekend.  And this is where prayer comes in, where meditation for that inner calm falls just a wee bit short and I have to go direct to the Source and ask for His peace.  Prayer is such a wonderfully humbling experience any way.  That admission, "I don't want to do this on my own and I can't do it alone any way.  Please send me Your Grace and awaken again my eyes to Your presence."  Amen.

I saw that bumper sticker yet again today.  I think it's making a come-back or something.  Maybe one of the local churches ordered a zillion of them and handed them out with Communion.  Who knows.  I don't agree with the No Jesus, No Peace part, because it's not accurate.  There are plenty of people out in the world leading solidly-founded moral peaceful lives who have no interest in Jesus whatsoever. 

But Know Jesus, Know Peace.  There is really something to that.  I hope that at least some of the Pro-Life Minivan Moms driving around with that sticker stopped to really think about it.  You can spout off about Jesus all you like, what you believe He said, commanded, demands now.  Judging others or yourself harshly, so called by-the-Book, misses the point.  But to really Know Christ, to really understand his message and utter focus on love and unity, that's when Peace happens.

I strive for that Knowledge.

This is the time of year my little kiddies bring home every form of cough and cold known to man.  Often I will feel a little something coming on and I'll make the time to relax and do a little visualization technique.  Lying down, first I image I'm in waterfall of bright white light, draining out my every bit of negative energy and fatigue.  Then I pretend there is a bright green light around what might be getting sick (my throat, nose, whatever.)  No kidding, within a day or two my symptoms are gone.  Ahh, the power of positive thinking!

In my daily face-to-face life, I've told no one of this little trick, which I read a long while back in some book.  Because that same book said that it should be a secret.  That way no one (close to you) could discourage you and tell you that you're full of crap.  I don't mind mentioning it here, because, no offense, yall's opinion isn't going to affect me too much.  And maybe you could try this technique yourself and make it work for you!  Or perhaps you have another visualization trick to share.

I am remembering why I never made it very long in therapy.  It's all the "stupid" I have to deal with.  And I wonder, does she speak like this because she thinks I'm stupid, because most of the people she deals with are stupid, or simply because she is stupid? 

Example:  She had asked me what my stressors are.  Easy answer--housework, husband, no free time.  Her solution?  That I clean the house at a different time of day so that the kids won't hassle me then, say, when the husband gets home but before the kids go to bed.  Yeah, you know, that whole 40 minutes right there?  She suggest I limit each child to two toys at a time so that at any given time, there are only 6 toys out, and then they'd have to come to me to ask for an exchange.  That way I can be pestered 6 times every twenty minutes.  Oooh, bring on the free time!!  Any way, I don't think a messy  home is what prompts me to over-feed and stuff paper down my throat until I vomit.

Those of you who have tried it, how successful have you been in therapy?  Was it hard to find the right therapist (not that my health-care plan offers many choices)?  How long did it take to get down into the gritty stuff?

One of my friends from, what is it now?, 20 years ago sent me some pictures on-line of her trip to Vegas.  She went with three other women.  She left her husband and big family far far away.  These pictures were hillarious, some sightseeing but mostly dancing and drinking in bars.  It looked so fun.  The friends I have locally wouldn't really be up for doing a trip like that.  And considering we never go on vacation as a family, it wouldn't seem right to go by myself any way.  And there's no money for such an excursion.  And on and on with reasons why I won't be going on any party trip.  Oooh, oooh!  I'm so jealous.

Does anyone have any good, proven ideas for a family vacation?  Something relatively inexpensive?

I had been something of a party girl before job/marriage/children set in.  I was not the first or last of my group to settle down, so the transition was easy among friends.

But have you ever had a night where NO ONE is available to you?  Last night after a very big glass of wine, the kids were in bed and I was cleaning up after dinner, I was struck with the need to talk.  My husband was working late (as is common), my earlier dinner plans with a neighbor had fallen through; I was lonely. I called my middle sister first, then my brother.  Neither were home.  Buzzed, I didn't feel like calling Mom, especially since I know she is feeling rather dramatic with the whole love triangle thing.  I just wanted fun talk.  So then I started down a list of a handful of friends.  No one was home or able to talk.  At this point my happy-chatty-buzz was turning into something less fun and a little annoyed.

I miss having family living in my neighborhood.  This never used to be a problem.

On a recommendation from a close friend, I am reading Sylvia Brown's new book, Lessons for Life.  She's a psychic, but I'm amazed at how her advice for a fulfilled life is exactly the same as what many religious writers, motivational speakers, and psychologists say.  Here is a paragraph that endeared Sylvia to me:

"I've become convinced that the only way we can really [become more spiritual] is to interact with others.  I know this may fly in the face of much  of what we've been told or taught, and I don't mean that we shouldn't care for or love ourselves, but too much self-searching leads to self-indulgence (besides being boring and providing no means to any end).  If we live our life by giving to and serving those around us, we become less phobic, less ill, and less isolated, and we begin to have broader, less self-centered goals.  This is what really makes us more spiritual."

If you can get around her psychic take on life (if that kind of thing would offend you) I highly recommend Ms. Brown's little book.  It has wonderful little visualization exercises at the end of each chapter, and they are remarkably relaxing.

Today at an intersection in the big city, we were approached by a begger with a peg leg.  I had no cash.  I'm not one to really carry cash.  What I do carry around with me are snacks for toddlers.  So I tell him, I have no cash but I have food.  Are you hungry?  Sure, he tells me, and he seemed genuinely pleased to get the big cheese bagel and granola bar.

It was a little tricky to explain sharing their food to the toddlers, but we managed.

So when I get to my friend's house, I asked for some replacement snacks and explained the whole peg-leg-needs-a-bagel story.  Can you believe she was amazed and disappointed that I gave him the snacks?!  I know the old story about not giving cash because they'll spend it on drugs or booze blah blah (not that I subscribe to that, any way.)  But to begrudge the man a bagel?

She did explain to me that it's a very popular corner with the homeless types, and often a scene of fights over the rights to beg there.  And that she's seen this particular man on the train and at different parts of the city.  I didn't realize that some homeless types actually travel in order to get the good spaces, but why not?  Seems like a perfectly valid use of public transportation. 

Happy New Year, Friends!

May you find the Peace of Christ in your heart throughout the year.

and eat a peach for peace.