For the third time in my life, I’ve decided to seek treatment for bulimia. The other two times weren’t exactly successful, obviously. So I saw a social worker who mentioned eating disorders as a particular focus of hers. One of the first things she said to me after we spoke 5 minutes was that I’d need to see a psychiatrist too. As seem to be prevalent these days, she wants me on pills, probably anti-anxiety.

Here’s the odd thing. First she tells me that my bad body image is tied to poor self-esteem. Side note: I hate the idea of self-esteem. Maybe for some horribly depressed and beaten-down people it’s a valid objective, but I haven’t read anywhere in the Bible where Jesus instructs us to have a high self-esteem. Ego is what gets us out of synch, gets us in trouble. Big ego isn’t an admirable goal.

But any way, first she tells me that we will have to work on self-esteem issues with me. Then she tells me that part of my problem is that I have little self-control. That I won’t stop myself eating and drinking where a normal healthy person would because I lack that self-control to tell myself No. Does this seem like a contradiction to anyone else? Egotistical people don’t tell themselves No. Spoiled brats tell themselves "I still want it so I’m going to have it." A more humble person would know she can’t have and doesn’t deserve every piece of cheesecake in the fridge.

Any way, this will be an adventure I suppose. Every other week.

Oh Master, Grant that I may never seek

So much to be consoled as to console

To be understood as to understand...

I keep these words in the forefront of my mind when talking to friends and family. Everyone has a story, and everyone likes to be heard. I actually pride myself (is that so wrong? ;-) ) on being someone to turn to, the one who will listen and not judge (too much).

Of course it can leave me feeling a bit cold when a problem comes up, and no one can manage to return the favor. Maybe that’s what I get for asking Him that I might never ask for the favor returned. Or maybe that’s just what blogging is for. Still, friends, family—come on!—lend me an ear!!

I have no idea what I’ve been doing the last several weeks. It didn’t include jotting notes here, though. I’m sure y’all didn’t miss me too much.

My mother told me this past week that she has fallen in love with someone outside of her marriage. She is not married to my Dad, so it wasn’t the most horrible thing to hear, but I like Bob quite I bit personally. Still, she married him when she was young and needy and looking for stability. Their interests were never together, and he seemed to appreciate her more as a servant than as a wife. Honestly to see them together, you’d say they don’t seem like a match. So after 25 years of praying for passion, the answer has come perhaps in the form of another man. She feels loved by a man who genuinely cares for her, for the first time in her life, so she tells me.

Personally I think that she ought to go for Love, considering her obligation to children is long since moot. But she reminds me that marriage is an obligation to her husband, even if he is a disrespectful, porn-prone flirt. She says that God’s rule is that she must stay with him, unless he’s ever cheated on her, and she doesn’t think he has.

I used to be like that, believe that divorcing was high-crime, a sin. But I honestly can’t believe that God wants this good woman to live loveless. Maybe he did send this new man into her life to love her. I don’t know what the right answer is for her. I just disappoint her that I don’t buy into this Christian deprivation she wants to afflict on herself.

What’s a 59 year old woman to do?